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What White People Like #61

My friends Christina and Maggie came across this. And well low and behold they showed it to me. I thought it was hilarious - I wish I was a good a writer. Oh well, taken from stuffwhitepeoplelife.wordpress.com, I bring to you - with the actual highlights they made for me :)

#61 Bicycles

A good place to find white people on a Saturday is at a Bike Shop. Bike shops are almost entirely staffed and patronized by white people!

But not all white people love bicycles in the same way, there is much diversity. First up, we have the younger urban white folks who absolutely love their fixed gear bicycles. These are seen all over college towns, Silverlake in LA, Williamsburg in Brooklyn, Queen West in Toronto, and Victoria, British Columbia. Fixed gear bicycles meet a lot of requirements for white person acceptance. They can be made from older (i.e. vintage) bicycles, thus allowing the rider to have a unique bike that is unlikely to be ridden by anyone else in town. They are also easily customizable with expensive things Aerospoke rims, Phil Wood Hubs, and Nitto Parts. The combination of rare bicycles and expensive parts makes it easy for white people to judge other white people on the quality and originality of their bicycles. This is important in determining if someone is or isn’t cooler than you.

White people also like Mountain Bikes because it lets them be in nature. It’s really not more complicated than that.

And finally, they love expensive Road Bikes and the accompanying spandex uniforms. This enables them to ride long distances and wear really tight clothes without any social stigmas. These types of riders will spend upwards of $5,000 on a bicycle and up to $400 on accessories, but will not ride to work. Perhaps because they cannot wear the spandex. It is important that you never question why someone needs a $5000 bicycle since the answer is always “performance.”

For the most part, these rules have been unisex. But there is a special category of bicycles that appeal far more to white women, the European city bike (pictured). White women have a lot of fantasies about idealized lives, and one of them is living in Europe and riding around an old city on one of these bikes. They dream about waking up and riding to a little cafe, then visiting bakeries and cheese shops and finally riding home to prepare a fancy meal for their friends who will all eat under a canopy with white Christmas lights. This information can be used to help gain the trust/admiration of a white woman, especially if you can pull off a lie about how your mother told you about how she used to do all of these things when she was younger.

And of course, it goes without saying that white people who ride bikes like to talk about how they are saving the earth. If you know a person who rides to work, you should take them aside and say “Hey, thanks. Sincerely, The Earth.” Then give a thumbs up. That white person will ride home on a cloud.

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Study Corral Wars

So I'm here in the Engineering library, and I'm a little bored of studying Calculus. So rather than drawing penis' on the chalkboards and leaving my friends' numbers all over the place, I thought I'd transcribe some of the...engineering "graffiti" that's on the inside of my study corral. It's a dog eat dog world out here - in the study corral wars.

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America's 2 Problems:

17. People who deface public property

18. People who complain about defacing property via defacing property

19. DETECTIVE JOHN KIMBLE

20. Poverty

21. Fags

22. Big Bird

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I <3 Sean

Fuck Sean

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social science: hey science majors, its alright, its okay, you're gonna work for us someday, love your future boss

science: not possible. social science majors don't make very much money, and they're not as smart

science: it's not even a science, its majoring in bullshit

science: get the fuck outta here if you're a social science major...go study your flashcards elsewhere <- LOL flash cards

social science: fuck engineers even don't know how to draw pussy

engineering: fuck you pussy, i'll beat your ass

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ENGINEERS R EVIL!

SCIENCE ROCKS!!!!

/////

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My Throne

To give you an idea of how my dumps go up here in Davis I first want to let you know that I practically have a private bathroom up here. Actually, I practically have two of them. So if one of them fails me horribly, I'll have a spare. But I swear, it really grinds my gears when both of them get fucked up by some two-bit teen shitface. Now you may ask me "James, how does a bathroom get all fucked up?"

Well good sir, let me answer that question for you.

Pubes - You sick fucks. Now you must be sick if you're leaving your pubes all over the seat. I mean, let us consider the angle at which a pube might come off your crotch. Now unless you're stricly going number two - with your dick flopping out of the bowl, there is no way that your pube has any reason to fall anywhere except in the damn bowl. Unless you're doing something else in my bathroom which I don't even want to go into.

Piss - Equally bad, if not, 10 times fucking worse than pubes. Piss just makes you wonder at how lazy some people are. I mean it takes a second to lift the damn seat - but noooo. You're either too drunk, too blind, or have such bad aim that you have to land your yellow glaze all over my damn seat. I hope you die.

Vomit - Occasionally the party girl decides to hurl in my bathroom. That's cool, I'll even hold her hair back. But I really hate when people miss. It leaves the floor all sticky and the whole room smells like vomit. Imagine walking into that in the morning - barefoot. Ugh. Vomit's not as bad as piss or pubes, mostly just because it's involuntary. That is, of course, provided you're not a bulemic or something - then my heart just goes out to you.

Put all three together and you have yourself a little fucking Hiroshima.

God bless the janitors, they clean those specific bathrooms at least 2-3 times a day :)

Cheers.

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Gardening

Gardening was never a passion of mine. Sure Toup, sure, gardening is great for the mind. It soothes you, it calms you - it makes you oen with nature. Fucking great.

When I was younger I did a lot of gardening with my parents and my brother. But before you go and imagine some eight year old chinese kid in overalls and a straw hat, let me set the stage first. This wasn't some wussy gardening - plant a few plants, groom a few roses. Mowing the lawn. Hell, when I was a kid I wished I had lawn. Ho ho, no sir - this was real gardening. Dare I say...XTREME GARDENING. Pulling weeds and trimming hedges was normal for a weekend as a kid. We were pruning trees too. Pouring concrete. Building wooden racks. I helped my dad build a damn roof. We had so many branches we'd fill our compost bin, then our trash bin, and then our neighbor's bins too.

All before the age of 16.

Anyways, it wasn't until recently that I actually begin planting stuff. Even now I'm not exactly planting. More like I'm digging holes, mixing dirt, and doing heavy manual labor. Oddly enough I'm not building roofs anymore, or doing home improvement projects. I'm just helping out around the house, planting trees and picking fruit.

Today I was picking lemons. Damn, there are a lot of lemons. A lot more than previous years. I swear I think that damn thing has more lemons every year. I also think it's been fucking our grapefruit tree. Yeknow how lemons look? Yeknow they're all nice and smooth and ball-ish. Not these hellspawn. No, these lemons look and puckered and wrinkled, like some bastardization of Lemon and Grapefruit. Fucking plants all having sex willy-nilly. How dare they hybridize under my roof! They probably taste terrible too. I don't know though, we give them to our neighbors and friends.

Talk about cliche huh? When life gives you lemons.....give them to your friends because you don't want to have to deal with fucking lemon-grapefruit-hellspawn. The same goes for unwanted children.

The apricots. Oh apricots you furry little bastards. I never liked these punks either. They never ripened at the same time - they'd ripen gradually. As if I, or anyone else, has the time to pick these little demons continuously. What'd end up happening is that these little death stars would fall from the sky and splat on your head. Either that or these guys would hit the ground and leave a giant mess everywhere on the concrete. Leave it there for a few weeks and you have yourself a nice little rotting pool of apricot and hedonism. If you were real lucky they were overripe and infested with ants when you picked them.

Oh man, and now we get to the ants. Yeknow, we have a real ant problem around here. I swear they live under the house. Anyways, last week I was mixing some clay dirt with potting dirt - yeknow so we could have a nice balance for the tomato plants. I was getting the clay dirt from this giant mound of dirt that I'd made from pouring concrete and from digging a hole for the tangerine tree. The mound's been sitting there for at least a year. Yeknow what I uncover? A festering colony of ants.

And, well, you know I hate ants. I proceded to put down these infidels. I have a few ant bites, so not all of them went down peacefully. Long story short, their corpses are now feeding our tomato plants and in a few weeks we'll have awesome tomatos and one less ant colony.

I guess I'll wrap up this post now. I conclude wtih saying I like gardening - because it satisfies the sadist within me. When else do you get to cut and maim living creatures, steal their fruits, and abuse mother nature's children?

Cheers.

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Sexual Frustrations Eh?

Why the seal attempted to have sex with the penguin is unclear. But the scientists who photographed the event speculate that it was the behaviour of a frustrated, sexually inexperienced young male seal.

Equally, it might be been an aggressive, predatory act; or even a playful one that turned sexual.

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Cycling Dreams

It's about 10AM. About an hour till Physics. I think I'll choose to blog a little. Physics has really been eating at me. I'm going to change that this week. Today, actually. My goals for today:

- finish physics week 6 hwk

- finish calculus assignment

- do prelab (chem/physics)

- write engineering essay

This way I'll be free, if a little, for the weekend.

Anyways, back to the title of this blog. I wish I was lucid enough this morning to write about my dream. Unfortunately I was out till 2AM last night working on physics, and somehow getting 6 hours of sleep just isn't as satisfying as getting the full 8. Then again, maybe too much sleep is a bad thing. Don't want the quality of my sleep to give way to quantity.

I dreamt that I was first doing physics homework in the study lounge. Then I dreamt that I had crawled into bed and slept, but I awoke on my bike. Keiko this time. I was biking, racing really, on some trail. It was dark. I couldn't feel any pain in my legs, so I wonder if I was really peddling. I don't know why, but for some reason the bike loses balance and I fall. The handlebars are bent, and the STI shifters are not properly alligned to the handlebars. I think there's a crack in the frame.

I remember feeling anguish. Being very angry and sad about my bent STI shifters. I remember tying to pull them back into place with all my might.

It was pretty weird this morning to get onto Keiko and realize that my handlebars and shifters were fine.

When I got up after my crash, I was surrounded by people. They looked vaguely familiar. I only remember beating them. I remember lunging on one of them, nailing them to the floor, and the pounding them like nobody's business.

She likes political science. It's pretty cool that she does, cause so do I. Is that why I'm drawn to her? Women are too much trouble anyways, plus I promised not to do any dating Freshman year. But I guess, who the hell cares anymore. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Or if it's meant to be then it's up to me?

It always bugs me when people talk about my past. And I don't mean my immediate past, but my real past past. I mean, how the hell can you compare who I was in elementary school to who I am now? Apples and oranges my dear. It boggles the mind, it doesn't make sense. I am not the same person I was last week, nor a month or a year before that. How can you take the last 7 years and even begin to compare who I am now to who I was then? People change, the world changes, attitudes, opinions, expectations, bodies and minds change. Get used to it. I can be nice and friendly now, and can be the meanest son of a bitch tomorrow.

It's probably a bad thing that she likes political science. Because then she's just like me. And if there's one thing I can't stand - it's another me.

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On Moving Out of California

Today in my chemical engineering class we were talking about careers and the sacrifices that we have to consider making if we plan to be chemical engineers. I never really thought about it, but I came to realize that computer science people have it really nice out here in the Bay. I mean, they're practically in the thick of it all aren't they? Where else do you find greater funding or greater entrepeneurial spirit than out in the Bay. Hell, where will you find more of it than out here in California?

The professor and lecturers kept talking about how you would most likely be sent all over the nation - maybe even all over the world - for your job as a Chemical Engineer. It got me to thinking...what would it be like to move out of the Bay? To move out of Caifornia? I mean, it's something that I've never even really considered.

I guess that I would have to say goodbye to everyone I knew out here - and now that I think about it I guess I have some pretty deep ties to this place. Or at least, I think I do. Then I'd have to move, pack up and sell. Fuck, maybe even sell my bikes (shudders).

The transition out here to UC Davis wasn't exactly what I thought it would be. I thought that somehow I'd feel this new feeling of freedom come on to me. I thought that I would magically be a new person, and I thought I'd have control over who that person - or what that image of me - would be. But that wasn't the case at all now was it? Now I'm only really an extension of what I was - who I was - before. The thought that at the core of myself I haven't changed leaves me deflated. I always liked to imagine myself as being this super extroverted person who could build giant networks of people. Of course, the reality of my self is a bit different.

Would my transition out to some other state, or some other country, be even remotely similar? I mean, it's really a different scenario altogether isn't it. I would have absolutely no roots where I went. Strangers everywhere? Would I love it? Would I hate it? Even now, I came to Davis with some pretty extensive - if distant - ties with people. I at least knew some people and I at least had some people to hang out with. It was from there that my social network branched out and grew to what it is today.

I like to think that I'd do well in a new setting. I always end up meeting new people through classes and whatnot - but I imagine it being a real drag if I only met people through my work. But maybe it's not so bad.

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On the Weather

I've been pretty grumpy as of late. I don't know really where it's from, whether it's from having to deal with the frivolities of women, or having been sunburned, or from the difficulty in transitioning into full-blown academic mode. It's probably a sick combination of all three plus the hot stickiness that permeates the campus. The sun is everywhere and it drives me fucking insane.

I wonder if my lack of subject matter is something to be concerned about. I mean, I haven't blogged consistantly in a long time - nor have I really written anything of any considerable substance in a long time. It seems like most days just blend together. There's always a whole crap load of things to do. Nothing is really satisfying anymore, and very few things are ever surprising. I guess I'm too comfortable.

This morning my Chemistry professor asked us to consider whether or not our development as a species has come at the cost of our equilibrium with the world. That is, has our ability to manipulate the chemistry of our world hurt us? But in addition to this he was forwarding the notion that we lack sustainability in our current manipulations of our world (notably energy). I don't think a whole lot of people consider the first question at all - mostly because most of us accept that our technology and our development in technology are good things - are progressive things. You'd be hard pressed to find someone who disagreed with that statement. The second statement about sustainability is definitely true as well - and again, you'd be hard pressed to find anyone who disagreed.

I'm feeling bland, off to Calculus to learn about dot products and cross products. It's pretty scary how much I've  forgotten - I remember having to learn that trash in Algebra 2. I guess 3 years is a long time huh? Oh well.

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Thoughts After Midterms

I wonder if being around so many couples has left me wanting something I neither should want nor should need at this point in my life. I feel as though for the past week my mind has been in a very serious fuzz, thinking about things of no substance. Making the wrong decisions and choosing the wrong ways to spend my time.

At the end of the day, I'm just tired, and all I want to do is go to sleep. Tomorrow's a new day with new things to do.

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